Joke thread..........

Post away... LMAO

What does a man and a diaper have in common....


They are always on your ass and always full of shit ( sorry jimmy and fleas)

and this joke brought to you by my lovely kids


Why do cows have bells around their neck..........................




Because their horns do not work

I like to personalize my little stories, makes them more interesting. This one is about mini-momma - a young new bride (not that long ago) - residing on her newly acquired farm - with her first addition to her fir baby family - this is mini's adventure with her Vet..........HUBBY arriving home from work one afternoon was met by his sobbing new bride mini - tearfully she explained - Its the Vet - He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone - I had to call multiple time before he would even answer the phone. Immediately, hubby drove to the clinic to defend his wifes honor and confront the Vet demanding an apology. Before he could say more than two words - the Vet told him "Now just a minute - listen to my side of the story". THIS morning the alarm failed to go off so I was late getting up, I went without breakfast and hurried out to the truck, only to realize that I had locked both the truck and house keys inside the house - and had to bread a window to to get my keys. Then driving a little to fast, I got as speeding ticket, shortly thereafter when I was a half mile from the Clinic I got a flat tire. When I got to the clinic my Receptionist had not as yet arrived and their was a group of people waiting outside for me to open up. I got the Clinic open and began serving all the people that had been waiting - all this time the darn phone kept ringing non-stop. A cow I was examining kicked me, grazing my forehead, knocking me to the ground - meanwhile the phone is still ringing - I managed to get up and stagger over to the phone which by this time had been ringing non stop most of the morning. It was your wife Mini - she wanted to know how to use a Rectal Thermometer - AND BELEIVE ME AS GOD IS MY WITNESS ALL I DID WAS TELL HER.

ha ha ha ha

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

The other day Camaluck was having lunch with a couple of her girlfriends. One is engaged the other is a mistress. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by wearing a black leather bra and bodice. stilletto heels, and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Cams engaged friend advised that the other night her boyfriend came over and found her wearing the black leather outfit, heels and mask and advised she was the woman of his dreams - then they made passionate love all night long. Cams friend the mistress advised that she met her lover at his office wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask covered by a rain coat. When she opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word but iniated a night of wild sex. After hearing of her two friends adventures, Camaluck was embarressed to tell her story. She advised that when her husband came home. she was wearing nothing but the black leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and black mask over her eyes. As soon as he came through the door and say her - his only statement was "WHATS FOR DINNER BATMAN."

mcauley wrote:

The other day Camaluck was having lunch with a couple of her girlfriends. One is engaged the other is a mistress. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by wearing a black leather bra and bodice. stilletto heels, and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Cams engaged friend advised that the other night her boyfriend came over and found her wearing the black leather outfit, heels and mask and advised she was the woman of his dreams - then they made passionate love all night long. Cams friend the mistress advised that she met her lover at his office wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask covered by a rain coat. When she opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word but iniated a night of wild sex. After hearing of her two friends adventures, Camaluck was embarressed to tell her story. She advised that when her husband came home. she was wearing nothing but the black leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and black mask over her eyes. As soon as he came through the door and say her - his only statement was "WHATS FOR DINNER BATMAN."

LMAO

IF MY BODY were a car this is the time I would be thinking of trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull. BUT THATS not the worst of it - My headlights are out of focus and its especially hard to see things up close - My traction is not as graceful as it once was, I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather - My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins and it takes me hours to reach my maximum speed - My fuel rate burns inefficently BUT THATS NOT THE WORST IT. ALMOST every time I sneeze, cough or sputter - either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. (other than myself how many other seniors on this forum can relate to this? Something you youngsters can look forward to eh! )