The Slap Chop - someone didn't like it!! :D

I was sent this in an email, and it was WAY too funny to not share with you guys!!!

WHO EVER WROTE THIS IS RIGHT ON THE MONEY - WE ARE SUCKERS FOR TV COMMERCIALS



Ok so I got a slapchop.



This dirty sonofabitch Vince convinced me that this invention would save time, and help me eat healthy.



F*** Vince and his goddamn nuts.



Fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini... bite my weenie you TV K-Tell geek.



Let me tell you what this holy terror of a kitchen utensil does… absolutely nothing.



Let's look at a few things:



1. This thing is made of plastic and has a sharp blade hooked to a sprung and a plunger.



This is a poor combination to begin with.



2. The slapchop is about the size of a coffee grinder, which means you need to slapchop size your food prior to actually using the slapchop.



In order to do that you need a knife… if I have a knife in my hand already I may as well chop the f****** vegetable right then and there.



3. One slap for large sizes, two slaps for smaller sizes, three slaps for a fine dice… f*** you.



Here's what it actually goes like. One slap, twist and pry on the plunger because the vegetable is wedged in the cutting mechanism.



Two slaps, still f****** wedged and no smaller than the last slap.... why? Because the effing blade didn’t actually cut anything. It just did a quarter turn with potato stuffed inside.



Three slaps, another quarter turn and now your potato is wedged so far into the farging machine the plunger won't come out.



Now since the veg is stuffed deep inside this devil contraption you must now take the damn thing apart… easier said than done.



Vince says "it's as easy as one two three" F*** YOU VINCE!



Its easy to take apart sans potato stuffing however once those blades are full it becomes more difficult.



Picture this… a slapchop full of potato, the plunger is stuffed all the way to the bottom so you can't undo the top part, and it won't turn enough to pry the bottom protector part off.



Now keep in mind that this contraption has a sharp effing blade in it...so using your fingers to pry out the potato chunks is ill advised.



What do you do? Get a tool if course....now because you already had to cut your vegetable to slapchop size you happen to have a knife close by.



It only makes sense to use that to dig out the jammed veg.



Ahem... at this point the slapchop is no longer a slapchop, it suddenly becomes a spring loaded vegetable cannon!



As soon as you wiggle a tiny piece of the vegetable in question out of harms way you can fully expect to get showered in large chunks of potato (or onion, or peppers)... remember these are large chunks that fly fast and hard… because this stupid f****ing device hasn't actually CUT ANYTHING!



I am going to personally kill the man that invented this goddamn thing... in fact I'm going to use it on his nuts... because Vince says it works great on nuts... in fact so well that we are going to love his nuts.



I bet this stupid sonofabitch has a SNUGGIE as well... you jonestown punch making peckerhead. (if you don't catch that reference feel free to ask).



DO NOT BUY A SLAPCHOP.



I'm ok with the shamwow.... of course its a rag so its pretty hard to f*** that up.

:lol: You can tell by the infomercial that is cheap plastic junk. Out of all the items sold on infomercials, there are only a small handful of things that are actually worth buying.

A co-worker of mine bought the Magic Bullet blender and loves it. I think I might have to invest in one since I don't have a blender and am looking to get one.

I love the slap chop and my shamwow's

Funny email, for sure. I don't want a slap chop anyway, but I really want a graty, but not badly enough to order the chopper.

I have sham wow but in my defense, my son ordered it for me. They're good for spills on a non washable surface ( couch/carpet) but then so is a wet/dry vac.

I think I'll pass on that appliance....

You couldn't pay me enough to buy something that's advertised so sleazily (is that even a word?). Blah, couldn't use it without thinking of Vince's nuts, and that would totally kill my appetite for what I was cooking.

That email's a hoot!

BigBrownEyes29 wrote:

:lol: You can tell by the infomercial that is cheap plastic junk. Out of all the items sold on infomercials, there are only a small handful of things that are actually worth buying.

A co-worker of mine bought the Magic Bullet blender and loves it. I think I might have to invest in one since I don't have a blender and am looking to get one.

I like my Magic Bullet...lol I like anything magic. Quite handy and easy to clean. Would be nice if it was bigger though

LeighvitBee wrote:

I have sham wow but in my defense, my son ordered it for me. They're good for spills on a non washable surface ( couch/carpet) but then so is a wet/dry vac.

Just don't put your ShamWow's in the dryer by accident...they don't tend to work very well afterwards - those ones have become my dish cloths!

I bought the Shed Ender or whatever you call it, it works okay..but I have hairy beasts or I wouldn't expect a miracle from a $15 grooming tool anyways :lol: :lol: